Phoenix

I almost wasn't here today
I almost didn't make it to my 30s
So much pain, suffering, pain
Pain
Pain
Pain
Panjf
Panjfs
Pain
Suffering

I made it out by the skin of my teeth, I survived despite all odds being against me
It's been over 8 years since I last posted here
What's the point if no one will see?
No one will see
No one sees
Until someone does
Until anyone does

I almost died 5 and a half years ago
I almost died
I was so depleted of hope, I was trapped, I was abused, I was miserable
Everything was blurred, and everything hurt
I spent 6 and a half years suffering
Suffering
Suffergfdg
Suffldggdlf
Shdfjgnld

Suffering

My children saved me, though they'll never know it
I set myself free that night, secure in what I would do
The suffering would end, one way or another
Thank the Gods! It ended without further bloodshed, besides my own
We ran away
I saved my children, I saved myself

I found the light in the dark
I ffound salvation
I fffound freedom
I ffffound happiness
I found
Love
Real love, for the first time, a real love that loves me back
No longer a one sided, or diluted delusion

Love

If I laid it bare for all to see
Like an Eldritch horror, the madness would be insurmountable
I will not erase my past
I can't, I need to remember what I have overcome
I need to remember that I outlived my pain
I need to remember

I am no longer angry with the Gods
They knew what they were doing
They needed to prepare me
To teach me to appreciate what life would be like sans pain
Sans suffering

How to appreciate love
How to feel worthy of love
How to feel real love

I'm still here
He couldn't break me
I'm free


I'm free.

I miss blogging. A long time ago, people read what I wrote.

People talked to me about it.

Told me how to make my writing better.

Now? I've lost most of my friends, anyways.

I haven't posted in over a year. And I'm going to explain why.

I have...several mental ailments.

I suffer from four forms of anxiety.

General Anxiety, with Agoraphobia.

Separation Anxiety.

Social Anxiety.

And worst of all...

I have extremely severe Existential Anxiety.

It's crippling.

I feel like I am at war with myself, and it's only getting worse.

My body clenches up involuntarily.

I sometimes can't breathe.

My heart beats way too fast, and skips beats.

My chest tightens up.

Sometimes I scream out loud, sometimes I swear I scream but it's only in my mind.

I cry uncontrollably.

I tremble in pain and fear.

I can't speak. I can't move.

I feel like I'm dying.

I'm trapped inside my head.

My triggers are science, space, et cetera.

The things I love.

The things I've loved since childhood.

I can't read or watch or write or even think about certain things.

The things I love, without panicking.

It's ruining my life.

I'm in so much pain.

Sometimes it happens with no triggers.
Just...for no real reason.

I love space. I love science. I love everything to do with both.

I love studying religion, death, medical sciences, and the supernatural.

I can't study any of those things without taking my anxiety medication beforehand.

And sometimes I have to double up.

I still push it, I try to see how long I can push myself before I have a panic attack.

Sometimes I make it several hours, sometimes only seconds.

I don't talk about it publicly because that won't fix it.

It won't make it stop.

I also hate people knowing things about me.

I'm a very private person, but if I want to start keeping up on my blog again, I guess I have to get over it, right?

I only have two people, my husband, and my best friend.

I know that two people is more than a lot of people have, but also less than a lot of other people.

When you take into account that I can't talk to anyone without getting panicky, two is a lot.

Even so, I feel alone.

Like I said, I'm trapped inside my head.

I'm tortured day in, day out.

I'm stuck trying to force myself to overcome the uncontrollable anguish.

To push through so that I can read about the things that actually keep my attention.
The things that make me happy.

I'm so afraid.

I want to break free, so badly.

But I can't.

Methods that worked before, don't.

I can't escape it, as much as I try.

I don't want to be dependent on my medication, but nothing else helps.

Writing used to ease it, but keeping a journal isn't what it used to be.

I'm usually okay during the day if I stay home.

I keep myself busy with cleaning, cooking and taking care of my daughter.

But if I want to check the mail, I have to take my medication.

This is destroying me.

I have isolated myself because I can't cope anymore.

I've always had existential anxiety.

I remember dealing with it as a small child.

But it was mostly sporadic.

But not anymore.

It's been affecting me continuously now, for over a year.

It hurts physically, and mentally.

I just want it to stop.

I haven't updated in a really long time, but I only have four followers, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

But I promised some of my paintings. So here they are...

This isn't all of them, just my best ones thus far.

We Are But Stardust.

Is it sad that I was disappointed by there being no cataclysmic event on 21 December, 2012?
Sure, at the same time I was happy, because I have my daughter.
And yes, I was aware that it wasn't the end of the world, but rather the transitioning into the age of Aquarius from the age of Pieces.

But, I was kind of hoping...maybe it's my yearning of a post-apocalyptic world.

Kind of sick, right?
But we all know I'm not exactly the most normal person out there...

I guess I just want something...interesting to happen.
I'm tired of the same thing day in and day out.
There's no excitement.
Sure, there are other means of excitement, without the deaths of billions.
But like I said, I yearn for a post-apocalyptic world.

I at least wanted the Reptilians to show up.
But I guess they kind of did, it's just that they have yet to unmask themselves.

Man, I love being crazy...

It's nice to be writing again.
Just a shame not many people actually read this...why does no one use Blogger anymore?
I guess it's a good venting spot, though...
Not much to vent, I guess.
I don't really vent online. Don't need random people knowing too much about my personal life.
You understand, I'm sure.
Sure, I could make an anonymous blog.
But no one even reads the public one!

I'm not ashamed to admit that people don't read this stuff.
In all reality, I don't really care.
Just means less people to judge me.
Sure, I'd like for people to read it.
But I'm not sure how many people could really deal with my writing style or topics.

I'm not the best at writing, admittedly.
But I don't think I'm too terrible.
But there's always room for improvement...

Maybe if I was more consistent with my writing, I would actually have readers...
I just get so sidetracked.
That, or everyone just uses Tumblr.
Which I also have.
I just don't get on too often.

I guess I could always post this blog account on there...

Anyways, wanna get into some serious shit?
I don't write much anymore because I can only write (I think, at least) when I'm depressed.
I haven't really gotten depressed lately.
It's nice.
I love being happy.
However, I do miss writing.
I just don't know how to put out happy writing, it always sounds so generic.
Maybe I'm just really awkward.

Sometimes I want to feel a hint of depression, just to see if I can still feel it.
But once I get that hint, I want it gone.
And it's not like it happens often. I was depressed the other night for the first time in I don't know how long.
I guess I always feel like emotions can be broken and that mine are...
Is that too weird? Maybe not weird enough for me.

Maybe I just got so used to being depressed that I forgot how to be happy.
Then I relearned.
And I'm generally happy all the time.
Now I've forgotten how much it sucks to be depressed, until it happens every now and again.

It's nice to be happy.
I think this is the first time in my life that I have been genuinely happy.
All thanks to my (developing) daughter.
I guess it's true, in the end, everything is alright.

Discuss.

Rise of Xenomorph.

Well, today I'm letting everyone who reads my blog know that I am 13 weeks, and 1 day pregnant.
I found out on Friday the Thirteenth. In July.
I'm due 11 March, 2013.

I find out the gender in five weeks.
I am extremely happy.

I'm hoping for a son.
My nickname for my baby is Xenomorph (Xeno for short).
If a boy, my first name choice is Niklaus Josef.
If a girl, my first name choice is Josefiina D'Arcy.


This is my belly at 13 weeks:

 This is my last ultrasound at 10 weeks, 2 days.

Annunaki? Annunaki.

What would you say to me saying: I've been feeling my DNA progressively change over the course of a year.
But earlier...I felt a huge change.


It scared me.


I know I sound crazy.
But this is my blog and you don't have to read it if you happen to disagree.


I believe in aliens.
Furthermore, I believe I am a little something called a Starseed.
Think I'm crazy yet?


Through extensive meditation and so on, I managed to find out a lot more about myself than I ever thought humanly possible...or inhumanly possible(?).


I feel that I am from Orion, and I'm a Reptilian direct of the Annunaki.


Discuss.

Weight of the World.

I miss when everything was okay.
When I could wake up without regretting it.
When I could look outside and find beauty in everything.
I'm replused by everything, for almost a year now.
I want to be happy.
I want to go back to who I used to be.
I want everything to go back to normal.


I miss being a child.
I had nothing to worry about.
No one to worry about.
All I had to care about was how happy I was.
I didn't notice all the bad things going on around me.
I didn't know much about death.
I believed we'd all live forever.
I believed that everyone was happy.
I didn't know about war, natural disasters, poverty, murder, suicide...
I knew about happiness.


As an adult, I've grown so accustomed to these horrible things...
I've forgotten what it's like to be careless.
To be free.


Now I know about all these different problems.
I know about war, terrorism...
I know about murder, I know about suicide.
I know that no one will live forever.
I know that not everyone dies peacefully, or at the right time.
People steal, lie and hurt others.
Nobody really cares anymore, it seems.


Why does no one care?


I want to see the beauty of the world again.
As a child, I was in love with the stars and space.
I still am.
Is that the only remenet I have left of my childhood?
My childhood wasn't the best...but I'm talking before the age of five.
After I turned five, everything started going sour.
But I see now.
I see that no one in the entire world has it easy.
Not for very long, anyways...if ever.
I am thankful for the first few years of my life, when I was happy.


I can only hope that one day, I'll find pure happiness again.
Naturally, of course.


I want to, just for one day, forget about all the bad things.
And just know about the amazing things.
I want to see all the beautiful things of the world.
I want to feel euphoria.
Just once.


I want to know what it truly means to be completely and utterly happy.
I want to fend off this deep depression that I've faced since I was a small child.
I want the anxiety to disappear.
I want all my problems to just go away.
For just one day...just one.


Discuss.

We Are Who We Are.

I'd like to give you a look inside.
Find the core, kill the disease, break the solitude...
Death is a disease, just like any other.
And there's a cure.


There is a cure.


Question authority.
Question everything.
Why?


So many people die on a daily basis.
We are all suffering here.
Some more than others.
But we all have our own personal hell.
Whether it be hellish to some people, or none at all.
If it is to one person, it is to the world in their eyes.


I know how it is.
I pride myself on finding ways to fix everything.
Even though I know I cannot.
But I can try, and maybe...just maybe, I can succeed.


There is truth at the core of every lie.


The media blinds us from who we really are.
We are all God.
We all create.
We all destroy.
We have the ability to give life, as well as take it away.


I hope you question what I believe.
But I also hope you question what you believe.
We are all entitled to our own thoughts.
Some of us will use them in our lives, some of us will not.
But this life, this is the last for us all.
It is time to awaken and see what we all truly are.
Who we are.


For maybe we are not all from this planet.
Maybe not even from this era.
We are travelers, in one way or another.


It's time, my dears.
It's time to wake up.
Wake up.


The sun is up.
The stars may even remain.
No more reflections.


Just truth.
Lift the veil and you'll see.
We are all slaves to humanity.
It's time to break free.
Wake up!


Wake up.
Wake up.
Wake up...
And listen.




Discuss.

Cure My Tragedy: My Letter to God.

I have nothing left.
I'm nothing to myself or anyone else.
All I ever do is fuck up.
I'm the biggest piece of shit on the planet.
I've lost the one person that I thought would always be there.
I've lost all I've ever had.
There's nothing left now.
Everything is broken.
There is no beauty in anything.
Nothing matters.
Nothing matters.
Nothing matters.
Nothing matters.
Nothinf mater.
Nothifnd ufghdfhj.
Nohijsdfdj jdfhdj f.


Nothing.


It's gone.
My life no longer holds meaning.
I feel more dead inside than ever before.
I am a creation of destruction.


There is no god.
There can't be.
And if there is, he abandoned me long ago.
No god would take away someone's everything.
Especially not after taking the two things that meant the most.
I have accepted that I am alone.
I have been abandoned.
And there is no turning back.
I can't change the past.
I cannot make things right.


I am the lowest of the low.
If you don't believe me, you will see one day.
I am nothing.
I have nothing.


Turn back time.
Turn back time.
Turn back time.
Turn back life...


Diesease > Control.
Death > Life.
Despair > Hope.
Torment > Peace.


The world is shit.
I fit in well.
I am the face of destruction.
I am Death.
Will we pay for what we've done?
I have been paying.
I am paying.
My dues are far from paid.
And my life ended years ago.


Wake me when the world ends.
Tell me when everything is over.
Show me how to die.
I can't learn to live.
We can't find the meaning of life, because there is none.

Discuss.

I am the Night.

Welcome to the end of the world, my loves.
This is where we will fall apart, into the waves of the dark.
I am the night, I am the end.
I will always be the critically acclaimed demise of our time.


Today I will tell you of my being.
Reptilian, in all sense.
Emotions are a lie.
Love is a chemical emotion that the brain releases.
And it can be blocked.
And I have blocked it with ease.
Considering my incapability to feel human emotion.


I sound crazy.
And maybe I am.
And if I am, I am not ashamed.


Emotions will kill you in the end.

We are death.
























Discuss.

Bittersweet Memories Regarding the Loss of Love.

I want to destroy you. I want to watch you burn. I want to see your flesh decay. I want to feel your suffering. I hope you choke on the lies your spilled from that pretty little mouth of yours. You will die, and I will live. That's the way this kind of thing goes. You're pathetic. You're a liar. You'll never change. I will forever love you. And I will forever hate you. You destroy everything you touch. You are a criminal among many. I want you out of my head. I want you out of my life...you pathetic excuse for a man. You killed my heart.


There's a hole where my heart should be. I cannot feel human emotion anymore. So maybe you saved me.


Or maybe you broke me far beyond repair.


Discuss.

Timeline of Dread.

(finally finished!)
1:12 AM 14/6/2011
Timeline of Dread


I can't remember what I can't forget
All all the things you said, remain in my head
I try to forget, but still I think of you instead
It's breaking me down, as I lay here in my bed


I don't want to know who I am
I make myself dream about the end
And my heart beats faster, and I can't get you out of my head
My heart is filled with dread
All I can understand is the pain of everything I despise
Please love, take off this disguise...


I'm falling quickly, and I'm losing touch in my head...
I wish I could forget you, all this pain, all this dread
I lost myself in thoughts of you
You stole from me, all that I ever was, that much is true


I don't want to know who I am
I make myself dream about the end
And my heart beats faster, and I can't get you out of my head
My heart is filled with dread
All I can understand is the pain of everything I despise
Please love, take off this disguise...


I'm losing you...I can't remember the feel of your skin
Losing you is saving me from all these horrid sins...
And in the night, you are no longer a craving
A life worth living, is a life worth saving


And in the end, I forgot your name
Your face is gone and I'm completely sane

Death is the Road to Awe.

I noticed that I haven't really gone into the details regarding my thoughts on the afterlife.

Since I seem to have been getting extremely off topic as of late...

Here's my reconcile.

Who's to say there is or is not an afterlife, really? I mean, for all we know, there is many. That's where my theories come out to play...

I guess this is going to be a little about religion as well. It may as well have been expected, considering the topic. What if there is one god? Maybe he created every other religion to give people choices, and in turn, whatever afterlife your religion holds, that's where you go when you die. Is it so hard to believe that there could be multiple afterlives? There was a story I heard a long time ago, and it sunk in deep. The gist of it was that when you died, you'd be given a choice-- you could choose where you thought you should go. Ahead of you would be light, behind would be dark. The light would be split off into two paths: Heaven and reincarnation. Likewise, dark would be split: Hell and Limbo. In some versions, it involves flipping a coin, and while that coin is flipping, you choose. And once you've chosen, the coin would stop and you'd go exactly where you want to go.

One of my personal theories is that life on earth IS Hell, due to all the pain and suffering. And when we died, that was heaven. We'd be free from any earthbound forces of said pain and suffering.

In all honesty, I had the biggest fear of the afterlife, that is, until I came across the story of Xibalba...Xibalba is the Mayan underworld. The place where dead souls go to be reborn. Xibalba is generally depicted as a dark place, much like Hell. But there are different versions of it, just as there are different versions of any afterlife. The version that cured, not only my fear of the afterlife, but also my fear of death-- is bascially describing Xibalba as a Heaven world, opposed to a Hell. This also brings me to mention a Mayan creation myth in which, means so much more to me that I can easily describe. The first human (First Father) sacrificed himself to make the world, using death as an act of creation. When he did this, his body parts were spread about, creating the world and all the life on it, his torso became the Tree of Life, and all that was left was First Father's head, which was hung in the heaven creating Xibalba...the physical road to Xibalba is said to be the Dark Rift in the Milky Way...and the physical REALM is said to be the gold center of the Orion Nebula. At the bottom of Orion's Belt, you'll see two stars which form a triangle from the outer star of the belt. In the very center, there are two stars, right between those two stars is the nebula. I look for these starts everynight.

This leads me to my plans for when I die...I want to be buried in a classic coffin, the coffin will be black with beige trimming, made from the wood of a weeping willow. I intend to be buried in a field, far from anyone, living or dead. I then want a specific tree seed planted over my grave: the seed of the Guatemalan Cebia tree, which the Mayans believed to be the Tree of Life.

Discuss.

To Find the Light at the End of the Tunnel.

I will not stop; I will not yield.
I will move on to see the light,
and break this curse upon my life.
I will allow myself to reach all heights.
I cannot fail, I cannot lose.
In every path that I may choose.


I won't continue the poetry, that's all I could muster to fit how I'm feeling at the moment.
I went through a lot since the last time I wrote on here, though I will not go into detail, I made myself a promise.
Many of you know I had a drug and an alcohol addiction.
I'm clean. I promised myself that no matter how bad it gets, that I will remain that way.


And I cannot lie. I had a slip up with alcohol because of it.
And I had a slip up with drugs. Two times only. And after that I promised, no more.


I was forced into things that I didn't want to do.
I was fucked over.


There are so many people who have gone through this and made it out on top...or alive, for that matter.
And I praise you.
The weak are always the strongest in the end.
We will not fall. We will only rise.
We will stand up for ourselves and what we believe.
And we will be nothing but the best.




Discuss.

The Answers Lie Within.

What has become of this world? A place so beautiful, yet so corrupt. We're dying. All of us. We long to find happiness. What is happiness in a place like this? How do we survive our own demise? I can no longer breathe. I can no longer thrive. An ex-drug addict. An ex-alcoholic. I am surviving in this world, full of all those who are damned. Death is heaven. Life is hell. When we die, we all go to heaven, for hell is right here on our doorsteps.
What is a life, if nothing but pain and suffering? A light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe love will save our souls.
A heart can only take so much pain before it gives out right from under itself. Fear is a protector. Fear protects us from the dangers of life. Maybe fear can save us.
If you died tomorrow, will you be happy with what you've done in life? Will we pay for what we've done? Will we pay for who we were? Where are all the answers? They tell us to question everything. Why?
What will become of us?
Have you ever wondered what we will see in the end? Who? Will our fears follow us in death?
Iron trees and paved roads-- this is not what we need. We need to be free.


Discuss.

Love, Life and Drastic Changes.

When you love someone, you sometimes have to adjust and face serious changes. Say you've fallen in love, and the person of interest has a child. Could you make such a major decision as to be something of a parental figure? Say you hate children and you, yourself, do NOT want them. Could you bring yourself to be there? No matter how hard it may be, no matter how hard you have to work? When you're in love you sometimes have to make sacrifices. This is mine:
I don't want children. Nor do I remotely like children. But I'm in love with a boy. He has a daughter. I'm willing to get over myself and be there no matter what. It's all worth it to me. And I feel that it takes real love to make this kind of choice with no one even asking this of you. It takes real love to want to be there and swallow your pride enough to do so. And I've done it. I've decided, on my own accord, that I want to do this. I'm sure if I bond with her, it'll be alright.
I plan to help him gain full custody of her. Why? Because I love him. And he'll be happy. And I'll be happy.

The moral of the story is, love is a many splendid thing. (quoted from Moulin Rouge) And I promise you, it's real and it can save you. But take my word for it, never follow your heart or your brain. Always, always, always follow your gut. That's what I do. And it's when I ignore my gut that everything fucks up in the end. So whenever my gut says it's wrong, I listen for fear of losing the boy I've given my all to. And a quote from Moulin Rouge, a quote that I hold very close to my heart: The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.

When you love someone, that is the greatest feeling you'll ever have in life. And when you have it, hold onto it as if nothing else matters. Because that's just it; nothing else matters. Nothing. Else. Matters.

Discuss.

You Can't Save the Dead.

It's been awhile since I've written anything. I've been detached from most things. I'd now like to bring up the subject regarding feeling lost and being lost...

...in life.

I have a friend, and to avoid spilling her identity, we'll call her Sidnie. Now, Sidnie is a raging alcoholic, a pill popper and a stoner. She recently had a close call with being raped because she was drinking with strangers who proceeded to drug her. Sidnie chose to confide in me. We're best friends. I, myself, am a raging alcoholic. But I've also been working on it. (soon, I'll make a blog following my progress^^) Now, she chose to limit herself to three beers whenever she drinks, later upped it to five. She got so wasted at a dinner party that she passed out in her salad. She's not even twenty one, yet. She will be soon, but currently, she's not. This is a real life example of BEING lost.

My next example is NOT anonymous, because it's based on MY experiences, regarding my point. (and this is good for me, because I'm so upfront with what I am and how I am)

I have severe anxiety, paranoia, depression and nervous disorder. I often fall into panic attacks, sometimes for no reason at all. I always feel like something is missing, and that I'm being monitored. I get depressed randomly, anything can trigger it. I shake, constantly, my palms sweat, I twitch, I walk with my head down, I hate going out to crowded places (concerts, bars and clubs never bothered me much, I deal with it). I often feel like I'm trapped in a hole and I have no way out, which is understandable because of my anxiety and depression. I'm not lost in life, but I feel that I am.


My point is, some people are lost; some people only seem lost. Some are so lost, they simply can't be saved. They're far pass fixing. And when it comes down to it, you'll try until they give up.

Discuss.

Wake Up, Open the Door and Escape to the Sea.

In a matter of love and fate, we fall on our heels.
To love another is to first love yourself.
And to find what fate is dragging you to, is to simply listen.

You're alive only if you feel it.
And you're dead without even realizing it.
Taking artistic measures, I'm fresh out of memories.
It's like walking through a mist.
And people are only shadows.

A hint is to always read what I write in context.
That's the only way to understand it.
My mind; I think in context.
I can't help it.
I've always done it.


While memories are painful, I cast them out of my mind.
Always at work and distracted.
My art gives me peace of mind.


I'll give you what you're worth.
Who says pain isn't cheap?
Is it worth the ache in my soul?
Maybe you're just being coy.

Let's leave unsaid, what's let unspoken.


Discuss.

An Artist in a World Full of Pain.

I don't always discuss things.
I have an extremely artsy side to me.
Here is an example;

As I crawl, I feel you there.
You're out of view, but I can smell you.
I can smell your fear; it's radiating off of  you.
You have a fear of life and death and everything in between.

Everything is broken now.
She's cowering in the corner.
So tired of crying.
Just want to feel alive.
Just one more time.
One more time...


And her heart is waiting for your touch.
She's drowning in the lies you lied.
You killed her soul with all your hate.


All the pain I feel inside is growing more and more.
You said forever.
You lied.


When will you see?
All this pain...
We died for nothing.
We all died in vain.
You're the only one to blame.
You left me there, you'd let me rot.


I promised you my heart.
I gave it all up for you.
Here, I'm left with nothing.
Only faded memories.
I can't remember the sound of your voice anymore.


It's all so far from me.
I can feel him in my heart.
Breathing ever so slightly.
And I'm still dying inside.
I give off the essence of life.
But I'm still dying inside.


I wish you'd just leave.
Like all the times you left before.
But you're watching as I crawl away.
I smell your fear.
You know what you want.
And I know, too.


My memories are of you and hate.
I can't forgive, I can only forget.
She let you rip her to pieces.
And so did he.


Pain is more than what's on the surface, dear.
It's skin deep and you're reluctant.

I can't hear you anymore.
You're so far from me.
What was once the sweetest dream, is now the cruelest nightmare.
And when the moon comes out, the stars will fall.
Night will cure us all from hate.
Here, we'll be alive again.


We're coming back to life with the essence of death.


I can't remember who you are.
You're not the same as you were before.
You can't hold on to what you never had.
And dreams are keeping me awake.


Paranoia strikes and I crawl through the wire.
The dirt destroys her white dress.


And the panic is alive.
And the panic, you are dead.


I can feel the disease eating me from the inside.
I'm dying in the pile of leaves.
The vile will eat you alive.
And the song of October will bring you peace.


I can't feel you when I'm dying.
You're so far from here.
There's nothing that you can do.
You left long before I did.


She's breathing now.
And you're still sleeping.

-------------------------- ♥
Discuss.