I miss blogging. A long time ago, people read what I wrote.

People talked to me about it.

Told me how to make my writing better.

Now? I've lost most of my friends, anyways.

I haven't posted in over a year. And I'm going to explain why.

I have...several mental ailments.

I suffer from four forms of anxiety.

General Anxiety, with Agoraphobia.

Separation Anxiety.

Social Anxiety.

And worst of all...

I have extremely severe Existential Anxiety.

It's crippling.

I feel like I am at war with myself, and it's only getting worse.

My body clenches up involuntarily.

I sometimes can't breathe.

My heart beats way too fast, and skips beats.

My chest tightens up.

Sometimes I scream out loud, sometimes I swear I scream but it's only in my mind.

I cry uncontrollably.

I tremble in pain and fear.

I can't speak. I can't move.

I feel like I'm dying.

I'm trapped inside my head.

My triggers are science, space, et cetera.

The things I love.

The things I've loved since childhood.

I can't read or watch or write or even think about certain things.

The things I love, without panicking.

It's ruining my life.

I'm in so much pain.

Sometimes it happens with no triggers.
Just...for no real reason.

I love space. I love science. I love everything to do with both.

I love studying religion, death, medical sciences, and the supernatural.

I can't study any of those things without taking my anxiety medication beforehand.

And sometimes I have to double up.

I still push it, I try to see how long I can push myself before I have a panic attack.

Sometimes I make it several hours, sometimes only seconds.

I don't talk about it publicly because that won't fix it.

It won't make it stop.

I also hate people knowing things about me.

I'm a very private person, but if I want to start keeping up on my blog again, I guess I have to get over it, right?

I only have two people, my husband, and my best friend.

I know that two people is more than a lot of people have, but also less than a lot of other people.

When you take into account that I can't talk to anyone without getting panicky, two is a lot.

Even so, I feel alone.

Like I said, I'm trapped inside my head.

I'm tortured day in, day out.

I'm stuck trying to force myself to overcome the uncontrollable anguish.

To push through so that I can read about the things that actually keep my attention.
The things that make me happy.

I'm so afraid.

I want to break free, so badly.

But I can't.

Methods that worked before, don't.

I can't escape it, as much as I try.

I don't want to be dependent on my medication, but nothing else helps.

Writing used to ease it, but keeping a journal isn't what it used to be.

I'm usually okay during the day if I stay home.

I keep myself busy with cleaning, cooking and taking care of my daughter.

But if I want to check the mail, I have to take my medication.

This is destroying me.

I have isolated myself because I can't cope anymore.

I've always had existential anxiety.

I remember dealing with it as a small child.

But it was mostly sporadic.

But not anymore.

It's been affecting me continuously now, for over a year.

It hurts physically, and mentally.

I just want it to stop.

You Can't Save the Dead.

It's been awhile since I've written anything. I've been detached from most things. I'd now like to bring up the subject regarding feeling lost and being lost...

...in life.

I have a friend, and to avoid spilling her identity, we'll call her Sidnie. Now, Sidnie is a raging alcoholic, a pill popper and a stoner. She recently had a close call with being raped because she was drinking with strangers who proceeded to drug her. Sidnie chose to confide in me. We're best friends. I, myself, am a raging alcoholic. But I've also been working on it. (soon, I'll make a blog following my progress^^) Now, she chose to limit herself to three beers whenever she drinks, later upped it to five. She got so wasted at a dinner party that she passed out in her salad. She's not even twenty one, yet. She will be soon, but currently, she's not. This is a real life example of BEING lost.

My next example is NOT anonymous, because it's based on MY experiences, regarding my point. (and this is good for me, because I'm so upfront with what I am and how I am)

I have severe anxiety, paranoia, depression and nervous disorder. I often fall into panic attacks, sometimes for no reason at all. I always feel like something is missing, and that I'm being monitored. I get depressed randomly, anything can trigger it. I shake, constantly, my palms sweat, I twitch, I walk with my head down, I hate going out to crowded places (concerts, bars and clubs never bothered me much, I deal with it). I often feel like I'm trapped in a hole and I have no way out, which is understandable because of my anxiety and depression. I'm not lost in life, but I feel that I am.


My point is, some people are lost; some people only seem lost. Some are so lost, they simply can't be saved. They're far pass fixing. And when it comes down to it, you'll try until they give up.

Discuss.