I miss blogging. A long time ago, people read what I wrote.

People talked to me about it.

Told me how to make my writing better.

Now? I've lost most of my friends, anyways.

I haven't posted in over a year. And I'm going to explain why.

I have...several mental ailments.

I suffer from four forms of anxiety.

General Anxiety, with Agoraphobia.

Separation Anxiety.

Social Anxiety.

And worst of all...

I have extremely severe Existential Anxiety.

It's crippling.

I feel like I am at war with myself, and it's only getting worse.

My body clenches up involuntarily.

I sometimes can't breathe.

My heart beats way too fast, and skips beats.

My chest tightens up.

Sometimes I scream out loud, sometimes I swear I scream but it's only in my mind.

I cry uncontrollably.

I tremble in pain and fear.

I can't speak. I can't move.

I feel like I'm dying.

I'm trapped inside my head.

My triggers are science, space, et cetera.

The things I love.

The things I've loved since childhood.

I can't read or watch or write or even think about certain things.

The things I love, without panicking.

It's ruining my life.

I'm in so much pain.

Sometimes it happens with no triggers.
Just...for no real reason.

I love space. I love science. I love everything to do with both.

I love studying religion, death, medical sciences, and the supernatural.

I can't study any of those things without taking my anxiety medication beforehand.

And sometimes I have to double up.

I still push it, I try to see how long I can push myself before I have a panic attack.

Sometimes I make it several hours, sometimes only seconds.

I don't talk about it publicly because that won't fix it.

It won't make it stop.

I also hate people knowing things about me.

I'm a very private person, but if I want to start keeping up on my blog again, I guess I have to get over it, right?

I only have two people, my husband, and my best friend.

I know that two people is more than a lot of people have, but also less than a lot of other people.

When you take into account that I can't talk to anyone without getting panicky, two is a lot.

Even so, I feel alone.

Like I said, I'm trapped inside my head.

I'm tortured day in, day out.

I'm stuck trying to force myself to overcome the uncontrollable anguish.

To push through so that I can read about the things that actually keep my attention.
The things that make me happy.

I'm so afraid.

I want to break free, so badly.

But I can't.

Methods that worked before, don't.

I can't escape it, as much as I try.

I don't want to be dependent on my medication, but nothing else helps.

Writing used to ease it, but keeping a journal isn't what it used to be.

I'm usually okay during the day if I stay home.

I keep myself busy with cleaning, cooking and taking care of my daughter.

But if I want to check the mail, I have to take my medication.

This is destroying me.

I have isolated myself because I can't cope anymore.

I've always had existential anxiety.

I remember dealing with it as a small child.

But it was mostly sporadic.

But not anymore.

It's been affecting me continuously now, for over a year.

It hurts physically, and mentally.

I just want it to stop.

The Scientific Rant Concerning the Skies and the Egotistical Universe.

In time Dark Energy will overrule Dark Matter causing the universe to expand into forever.

And in time there will be no new stars, the stars will die out, one by one.

The universe will be a very cold, very lonely place.

All body's of water will freeze over and there will be no lifeforms anywhere throughout the entire universe.

But it's completely illogical to say forever, because if nothing lasts forever than eventually forever must end.

I mean seriously, look around. how could anything last forever?

One day mankind will meet their demise and so will all other lifeforms.

So we need to live, yeah?

All that can really be said is to never waste a second of time, time is very precious, if not important.

And every second wasted is a second we cannot retrive.

As for time travel, if you go to the past you won't be able to do things over, you won't be able to say goodbye.

It's gone. You go there and you find nothing. You find your dimise.

And there will be nothing if you were to go to the future.

You'd be surrounded by buildings with lack of humans and/or animals.

As for religious beliefs; there is proof that jesus ever even existed.

The bible was re-written hundreds, if not thousands of times over.

And originally, there were about sixhundered and thirteen commandments.

Possibly more, possibly less.

However. It is quite funny, society really expects us to believe there's an invisible man in the clouds or 'heavens' of the universe.

And this invisible man; god, loves all of us.

But if you disobey any of the commandments or if you don't believe in him, he'll condemn you to hell, to burn and suffer for all eternity.

Until the end of time...but he loves you.

The north star is actually the brightest star in the night sky; Sirius.

And the 'three kings' is actually the three stars; Orion's Belt.

And the 'son' is the Sun.

It reaches it's lowest points durning Winter, but on 25 December, it is at it's at it's normal height in the sky and the is the 'son of god'.

And death is a part of life. Nothing to obsess over.

And life, is, well. Life. Haha. And there is proof of the afterlife.

Watch educatinal television and read a lot. ;] That's what I do. Lol.

But most of my knowledge is based on logic. There should be a logical explanation for everything. 'god' is science. Science is 'god'.

That's just how it works.

I've got a lot of theories, and a lot of theories on how to prove those theories.

That's all anything is until someone proves it.

The sky is so vast and empty.

Empty with so many healthy points of light.

We will one day find the Tree of Life.

We will one day see that the only way to gain immortality...is death.

Discuss.