I miss blogging. A long time ago, people read what I wrote.

People talked to me about it.

Told me how to make my writing better.

Now? I've lost most of my friends, anyways.

I haven't posted in over a year. And I'm going to explain why.

I have...several mental ailments.

I suffer from four forms of anxiety.

General Anxiety, with Agoraphobia.

Separation Anxiety.

Social Anxiety.

And worst of all...

I have extremely severe Existential Anxiety.

It's crippling.

I feel like I am at war with myself, and it's only getting worse.

My body clenches up involuntarily.

I sometimes can't breathe.

My heart beats way too fast, and skips beats.

My chest tightens up.

Sometimes I scream out loud, sometimes I swear I scream but it's only in my mind.

I cry uncontrollably.

I tremble in pain and fear.

I can't speak. I can't move.

I feel like I'm dying.

I'm trapped inside my head.

My triggers are science, space, et cetera.

The things I love.

The things I've loved since childhood.

I can't read or watch or write or even think about certain things.

The things I love, without panicking.

It's ruining my life.

I'm in so much pain.

Sometimes it happens with no triggers.
Just...for no real reason.

I love space. I love science. I love everything to do with both.

I love studying religion, death, medical sciences, and the supernatural.

I can't study any of those things without taking my anxiety medication beforehand.

And sometimes I have to double up.

I still push it, I try to see how long I can push myself before I have a panic attack.

Sometimes I make it several hours, sometimes only seconds.

I don't talk about it publicly because that won't fix it.

It won't make it stop.

I also hate people knowing things about me.

I'm a very private person, but if I want to start keeping up on my blog again, I guess I have to get over it, right?

I only have two people, my husband, and my best friend.

I know that two people is more than a lot of people have, but also less than a lot of other people.

When you take into account that I can't talk to anyone without getting panicky, two is a lot.

Even so, I feel alone.

Like I said, I'm trapped inside my head.

I'm tortured day in, day out.

I'm stuck trying to force myself to overcome the uncontrollable anguish.

To push through so that I can read about the things that actually keep my attention.
The things that make me happy.

I'm so afraid.

I want to break free, so badly.

But I can't.

Methods that worked before, don't.

I can't escape it, as much as I try.

I don't want to be dependent on my medication, but nothing else helps.

Writing used to ease it, but keeping a journal isn't what it used to be.

I'm usually okay during the day if I stay home.

I keep myself busy with cleaning, cooking and taking care of my daughter.

But if I want to check the mail, I have to take my medication.

This is destroying me.

I have isolated myself because I can't cope anymore.

I've always had existential anxiety.

I remember dealing with it as a small child.

But it was mostly sporadic.

But not anymore.

It's been affecting me continuously now, for over a year.

It hurts physically, and mentally.

I just want it to stop.

Fate and the Strained Thoughts of Billions.

(old blog, I just wanted to post it here)

How can you kill something that’s already dead?

You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve asked myself that exact question.

As well, how can something come from nothing?

I do believe we all came from nothing, and in turn we must go back to which we came.

Death is a word that can scare anybody into living.

But life is a word that can scare anyone to death.

I’ve thought about, maybe everything is just an illusion.

I’ve also pondered whether or not everything we know is true or not.

But then you think: KARMA. It has absolutely NO elemental properties.

That’s when you realize, there must be something, right?

You just don’t know what, and that’s what will drive you insane.

That’s what will kill you.

You eat up all the physical boundaries you’ve set for yourself until you’re nothing but an open wound to society.

The foundation of life begins to crumble out from under your feet and you fall.

You fall and fall and fall.

You fall until you hit the floor of eternity and thus you destroy everything you know.

And when it’s all over, only then will you realize the fate of eternity is much greater than the fate of the universe.

Because they are the same, until they return into oblivion.

And to heal yourself is to know why you are wounded.

And to harm your soul is to realize the design in which the fate of all elemental boundaries will play out.

You will NOT get eternity handed to you on a silver platter.

You have to earn it, the same way you had to earn your life.

Life is great, right?

I mean, even though you never get out of it alive.

Death creates life. Life creates death. It's a never ending cycle.

We're caught in the middle.

We didn't ask to be here, I know I certainly didn't.

But we're here.

There has to be a reason.

There is no fucking way that it's just coincidence.

No fucking way.

Now, I'm extremely open-minded, but religion just never made sense.

I despise organized religion. It's disgusting and ridiculous.

But, I will not disrespect said religions.

It's not my place and I'm not that rude.

I like the idea of Agnosticism.

It just makes sense to me.

And it's nothing like 'give me all your money'.

It's more like, 'there is no way of proving nor disproving any deities, I cannot prove there is or isn't and neither can you.'

That just makes so much more sense to me.

And it's blunt.

Very blunt.

Discuss.