I miss blogging. A long time ago, people read what I wrote.

People talked to me about it.

Told me how to make my writing better.

Now? I've lost most of my friends, anyways.

I haven't posted in over a year. And I'm going to explain why.

I have...several mental ailments.

I suffer from four forms of anxiety.

General Anxiety, with Agoraphobia.

Separation Anxiety.

Social Anxiety.

And worst of all...

I have extremely severe Existential Anxiety.

It's crippling.

I feel like I am at war with myself, and it's only getting worse.

My body clenches up involuntarily.

I sometimes can't breathe.

My heart beats way too fast, and skips beats.

My chest tightens up.

Sometimes I scream out loud, sometimes I swear I scream but it's only in my mind.

I cry uncontrollably.

I tremble in pain and fear.

I can't speak. I can't move.

I feel like I'm dying.

I'm trapped inside my head.

My triggers are science, space, et cetera.

The things I love.

The things I've loved since childhood.

I can't read or watch or write or even think about certain things.

The things I love, without panicking.

It's ruining my life.

I'm in so much pain.

Sometimes it happens with no triggers.
Just...for no real reason.

I love space. I love science. I love everything to do with both.

I love studying religion, death, medical sciences, and the supernatural.

I can't study any of those things without taking my anxiety medication beforehand.

And sometimes I have to double up.

I still push it, I try to see how long I can push myself before I have a panic attack.

Sometimes I make it several hours, sometimes only seconds.

I don't talk about it publicly because that won't fix it.

It won't make it stop.

I also hate people knowing things about me.

I'm a very private person, but if I want to start keeping up on my blog again, I guess I have to get over it, right?

I only have two people, my husband, and my best friend.

I know that two people is more than a lot of people have, but also less than a lot of other people.

When you take into account that I can't talk to anyone without getting panicky, two is a lot.

Even so, I feel alone.

Like I said, I'm trapped inside my head.

I'm tortured day in, day out.

I'm stuck trying to force myself to overcome the uncontrollable anguish.

To push through so that I can read about the things that actually keep my attention.
The things that make me happy.

I'm so afraid.

I want to break free, so badly.

But I can't.

Methods that worked before, don't.

I can't escape it, as much as I try.

I don't want to be dependent on my medication, but nothing else helps.

Writing used to ease it, but keeping a journal isn't what it used to be.

I'm usually okay during the day if I stay home.

I keep myself busy with cleaning, cooking and taking care of my daughter.

But if I want to check the mail, I have to take my medication.

This is destroying me.

I have isolated myself because I can't cope anymore.

I've always had existential anxiety.

I remember dealing with it as a small child.

But it was mostly sporadic.

But not anymore.

It's been affecting me continuously now, for over a year.

It hurts physically, and mentally.

I just want it to stop.

The Scientific Rant Concerning the Skies and the Egotistical Universe.

In time Dark Energy will overrule Dark Matter causing the universe to expand into forever.

And in time there will be no new stars, the stars will die out, one by one.

The universe will be a very cold, very lonely place.

All body's of water will freeze over and there will be no lifeforms anywhere throughout the entire universe.

But it's completely illogical to say forever, because if nothing lasts forever than eventually forever must end.

I mean seriously, look around. how could anything last forever?

One day mankind will meet their demise and so will all other lifeforms.

So we need to live, yeah?

All that can really be said is to never waste a second of time, time is very precious, if not important.

And every second wasted is a second we cannot retrive.

As for time travel, if you go to the past you won't be able to do things over, you won't be able to say goodbye.

It's gone. You go there and you find nothing. You find your dimise.

And there will be nothing if you were to go to the future.

You'd be surrounded by buildings with lack of humans and/or animals.

As for religious beliefs; there is proof that jesus ever even existed.

The bible was re-written hundreds, if not thousands of times over.

And originally, there were about sixhundered and thirteen commandments.

Possibly more, possibly less.

However. It is quite funny, society really expects us to believe there's an invisible man in the clouds or 'heavens' of the universe.

And this invisible man; god, loves all of us.

But if you disobey any of the commandments or if you don't believe in him, he'll condemn you to hell, to burn and suffer for all eternity.

Until the end of time...but he loves you.

The north star is actually the brightest star in the night sky; Sirius.

And the 'three kings' is actually the three stars; Orion's Belt.

And the 'son' is the Sun.

It reaches it's lowest points durning Winter, but on 25 December, it is at it's at it's normal height in the sky and the is the 'son of god'.

And death is a part of life. Nothing to obsess over.

And life, is, well. Life. Haha. And there is proof of the afterlife.

Watch educatinal television and read a lot. ;] That's what I do. Lol.

But most of my knowledge is based on logic. There should be a logical explanation for everything. 'god' is science. Science is 'god'.

That's just how it works.

I've got a lot of theories, and a lot of theories on how to prove those theories.

That's all anything is until someone proves it.

The sky is so vast and empty.

Empty with so many healthy points of light.

We will one day find the Tree of Life.

We will one day see that the only way to gain immortality...is death.

Discuss.

An Explaination of the Divine.

Religion:
A religion is an organized exploitation of human spiritual vulnerabilities which usually encompasses a set of narratives, symbols, beliefs and practices, often with a supernatural or transcendent quality, that give meaning to the practitioner's experiences of life through reference to a higher power, God or gods, or ultimate truth. People practicing religion are usually weak-minded and vulnerable, making them easy preys for religious leaders. It may be expressed through prayer, satanistic rituals, sexual orgies, meditation, music and art, among other things. It may focus on specific supernatural, metaphysical, and moral claims about reality (the cosmos and human nature) which may yield a set of religious laws, ethics, and a particular lifestyle. Religion also encompasses ancestral or cultural traditions, writings, history, and mythology, as well as personal faith and religious experience.
The term 'religion' refers to both the personal practices related to communal faith and to group rituals and communication stemming from shared conviction. 'Religion' is sometimes used interchangeably with 'faith' or 'belief system,' but it is more socially defined than personal convictions, and it entails specific behaviors, respectively.
The development of religion has taken many forms in various cultures. It considers psychological and social roots, along with origins and historical development.
In the frame of western religious thought, religions present a common quality, the 'hallmark of patriarchal religious thought': the division of the world in two comprehensive domains, one sacred, the other profane. Religion is often described as a communal system for the coherence of belief focusing on a system of thought, unseen being, person, or object, that is considered to be supernatural, sacred, divine, or of the highest truth. Moral codes, practices, values, institutions, tradition, rituals, and scriptures are often traditionally associated with the core belief, and these may have some overlap with concepts in secular philosophy. Religion is also often described as a 'way of life' or a life stance.

Definitions Of Religion:
Religious scholars generally agree that writing a single definition that applies to all religions is difficult or even impossible, because all people examine religion with some kind of critical eye, and the term is therefore fraught with ideological consequences for anyone who might want to construct a universal definition. Talal Asad writes that 'there cannot be a universal definition of religion...because that definition is itself the historical product of discursive processes'; Thomas A. Tweed, while defending the idea of religion in general, writes that 'it would be foolish to set up an abstract definition of religion's essence, and then proceed to defend that definition from all comers.'
The earliest definition of religion is from Johnson's Dictionary, which simply calls it 'a system of faith and worship'. Friedrich Schleiermacher in the late 18th century defined religion as das schlechthinnige Abhängigkeitsgefühl, commonly translated as 'a feeling of absolute dependence'. His contemporary Hegel disagreed thoroughly, defining religion as 'the Divine Spirit becoming conscious of Himself through the finite spirit'. Clifford Geertz's definition of religion as a 'cultural system' was dominant for most of the 20th century and continues to be widely accepted today.
Sociologists and anthropologists tend to see religion as an abstract set of ideas, values, or experiences developed as part of a cultural matrix. For example, in Lindbeck's Nature of Doctrine, religion does not refer to belief in 'God' or a transcendent Absolute. Instead, Lindbeck defines religion as, 'a kind of cultural and/or linguistic framework or medium that shapes the entirety of life and thought…it is similar to an idiom that makes possible the description of realities, the formulation of beliefs, and the experiencing of inner attitudes, feelings, and sentiments'. According to this definition, religion refers to one's primary worldview and how this dictates one's thoughts and actions. Thus religion is considered by some sources to extend to causes, principles, or activities believed in with zeal or conscientious devotion concerning points or matters of ethics or conscience, and not necessarily including belief in the supernatural.
The English word religion has been in use since the 13th century, loaned from Anglo-French religiun (11th century), ultimately from the Latin religio, 'reverence for God or the gods, careful pondering of divine things, piety, the res divinae'.
The ultimate origins of Latin religiō are obscure. It is usually accepted to derive from ligare 'bind, connect'; probably from a prefixed re-ligare, i.e. re (again) + ligare or 'to reconnect.' This interpretation is favoured by modern scholars such as Tom Harpur and Joseph Campbell, but was made prominent by St. Augustine, following the interpretation of Lactantius. Another possibility is derivation from a reduplicated *le-ligare. A historical interpretation due to Cicero on the other hand connects lego 'read', i.e. re (again) + lego in the sense of 'choose', 'go over again' or 'consider carefully'.

Fate and the Strained Thoughts of Billions.

(old blog, I just wanted to post it here)

How can you kill something that’s already dead?

You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve asked myself that exact question.

As well, how can something come from nothing?

I do believe we all came from nothing, and in turn we must go back to which we came.

Death is a word that can scare anybody into living.

But life is a word that can scare anyone to death.

I’ve thought about, maybe everything is just an illusion.

I’ve also pondered whether or not everything we know is true or not.

But then you think: KARMA. It has absolutely NO elemental properties.

That’s when you realize, there must be something, right?

You just don’t know what, and that’s what will drive you insane.

That’s what will kill you.

You eat up all the physical boundaries you’ve set for yourself until you’re nothing but an open wound to society.

The foundation of life begins to crumble out from under your feet and you fall.

You fall and fall and fall.

You fall until you hit the floor of eternity and thus you destroy everything you know.

And when it’s all over, only then will you realize the fate of eternity is much greater than the fate of the universe.

Because they are the same, until they return into oblivion.

And to heal yourself is to know why you are wounded.

And to harm your soul is to realize the design in which the fate of all elemental boundaries will play out.

You will NOT get eternity handed to you on a silver platter.

You have to earn it, the same way you had to earn your life.

Life is great, right?

I mean, even though you never get out of it alive.

Death creates life. Life creates death. It's a never ending cycle.

We're caught in the middle.

We didn't ask to be here, I know I certainly didn't.

But we're here.

There has to be a reason.

There is no fucking way that it's just coincidence.

No fucking way.

Now, I'm extremely open-minded, but religion just never made sense.

I despise organized religion. It's disgusting and ridiculous.

But, I will not disrespect said religions.

It's not my place and I'm not that rude.

I like the idea of Agnosticism.

It just makes sense to me.

And it's nothing like 'give me all your money'.

It's more like, 'there is no way of proving nor disproving any deities, I cannot prove there is or isn't and neither can you.'

That just makes so much more sense to me.

And it's blunt.

Very blunt.

Discuss.

Religion in the Perspective of an Agnostic.

This is from my blogs on MySpace. I figured they would be appropriate for Blogger. :]

Atheism is just another belief.
Believing in the existence of god is just as ignorant as believing in only science.
Contemplating both, yet not caring for either is the only sensible thing.
Hence- Agnosticism.

So. You have two things; Logic and belief.
Personally, I side with logic.
Belief, however, can mean multiple things.
But in this case, obviously, we're panning towards faith (belief, ya digg?)

Okay, as an Agnostic, it's only natural for me to side with logic.
I can be very complex, but I stick with what I know.
Humanity is simply not meant to know if there is or is not a god.
And I'm perfectly fine with that.
I'm happy with that.
Because, as an Agnostic, I don't have this fear that if I do something wrong.
And if I don't repent, some invisible man will set me on fire.

Now, let's think about religion.
And let's think about what it has caused since the dawn of it's first appearance.
Don't worry, I'll explain each.

Religion has caused;
-Fear.
-Genocide.
-Betrayal.
-Hypocrisy.
I'm sure there's more.
But, I'm trying to cover the basics.

Explanations;
-Fear: The fear that there is an invisible man is in the clouds and he watches everything you do, and if you do wrong by him and if you do not ask for forgiveness, you will be tortured for all of eternity. The fear that one day, soon and very unexpectedly, the rapture will come and those who followed his laws will be taken from their families and friends to be in heaven, while the sinners are left to die in a war of fire and disaster. That everyone will be judged according to what they believe and what they practice.

-Genocide: Religion has caused countless wars and unnecessary murders. People have killed their own families because they were convinced that they were either evil, possessed, witches, etc., when they were simply just living freely and tied to no god. Hundreds of people, falsely accused of being witches, were burned alive. Religion has caused numerous civilizations to turn against one another and crumble.

-Betrayal: As explained in 'Genocide', people turned on their own families and their own people because of religion. People destroyed lives because of religion. Etc.

-Hypocrisy: Oh, this is a fun one. See, it even states in the bible, that you should NOT push your religion upon others. That you should NOT be overly religious. It says nowhere that being gay is a sin. It says nowhere that anyone should hate someone because of a different religion, race or sexuality. Christianity is so crooked and they've bent so far back that they don't even realize that their spine is split in two.

I'd very much like to know your views on religion.
You know mine.

I am not trying to prove, nor disprove, anyone's belief or disbelief.
Believe what you want.
Just don't make it the center of your universe.
Don't try to make others convert to a religion that no one can prove to be correct or otherwise.

Be happy with what you believe.
Don't make such a big deal.
Yes, it's sufficient for an interesting argument.
But, that doesn't mean shove it down someone's throat.

Try watching 'Zeitgeist' (part one).
You might learn something.

You know, sometimes I wonder why everyone believes that there is some kind of supreme being or whatever, and when I think about it I realize that it's because they want something to believe in, because it helps them get through their lives happily.

But what if there is nothing and the only thing there is well, nothing but a void.

Then what? Where is your god now?

Y'know, I tried believing in god, I tried going to church, but it never ever worked for me because I'm not stupid like everyone out there who believes that if you believe in anything else you go to hell, it's stupid.

If your god is supposed to love EVERYONE then why do christians do nothing but judge and criticize?

Honestly. Why would someone create people and do it a certain way, with a divine plan and whatnot hate his on 'children'? It's stupid.

I'll bet most of the christians that read this don't even know how many commandments there really are.

Ten commandments? That's a load of shit.

There are six hundred and thirteen ORIGINAL commandments.

But the fucking bible has been rewritten so many damn times I bet none of you know that.

Well, you do now, but still, it doesn't matter.

Now, I've got nothing at all against any religion, but I hate it when they dump that shit in my face, I DON'T CARE!

I'm an Agnostic, now, I know a lot of people think that means I don't believe in anything, well, that's not true, Atheists don't believe in anything, Agnostics believe there is something there, but we're not really sure what it is exactly.

Because see, I don't know which religion, if any are true, and neither do you.

But again, believe whatever it is you want, but again, don't throw it in my face.

Don't be like, 'if you're gay you're going to hell' or 'god hates fags' or whatever.

You people are completely oblivious to your hypocrisy.

But like I said. I'm not here to judge nor am I here to alter your beliefs.

By all means, believe in what you want.

Just don't try and change someone else's outlook on religion.

Because that's not very christian, now is it?

I'm not saying all christians are the same, but I am saying most of them are.

Just all I'm saying is give other religions a chance.

Everyone has a right to be who they are.

And not even a petty law can change that.

Homosexuals and everything else are completely normal!

I'm an extreme Agnostic and I LOVE my beliefs.

But you don't see me prancing around being a dick to everyone.

Shit, Buddhism could be the right religion, nobody knows.

We all wanna believe that what we are will get us where we want to go when we die.

And who knows, maybe every religion is correct.

Maybe if you believe when you die you go to heaven, that's where you go.

Maybe if you believe you go through the whole Buddhist process of reincarnation, y'know, maybe you do, nobody knows for sure.

And maybe that's the thrill of the ride.

Discuss.