Phoenix

I almost wasn't here today
I almost didn't make it to my 30s
So much pain, suffering, pain
Pain
Pain
Pain
Panjf
Panjfs
Pain
Suffering

I made it out by the skin of my teeth, I survived despite all odds being against me
It's been over 8 years since I last posted here
What's the point if no one will see?
No one will see
No one sees
Until someone does
Until anyone does

I almost died 5 and a half years ago
I almost died
I was so depleted of hope, I was trapped, I was abused, I was miserable
Everything was blurred, and everything hurt
I spent 6 and a half years suffering
Suffering
Suffergfdg
Suffldggdlf
Shdfjgnld

Suffering

My children saved me, though they'll never know it
I set myself free that night, secure in what I would do
The suffering would end, one way or another
Thank the Gods! It ended without further bloodshed, besides my own
We ran away
I saved my children, I saved myself

I found the light in the dark
I ffound salvation
I fffound freedom
I ffffound happiness
I found
Love
Real love, for the first time, a real love that loves me back
No longer a one sided, or diluted delusion

Love

If I laid it bare for all to see
Like an Eldritch horror, the madness would be insurmountable
I will not erase my past
I can't, I need to remember what I have overcome
I need to remember that I outlived my pain
I need to remember

I am no longer angry with the Gods
They knew what they were doing
They needed to prepare me
To teach me to appreciate what life would be like sans pain
Sans suffering

How to appreciate love
How to feel worthy of love
How to feel real love

I'm still here
He couldn't break me
I'm free


I'm free.

I miss blogging. A long time ago, people read what I wrote.

People talked to me about it.

Told me how to make my writing better.

Now? I've lost most of my friends, anyways.

I haven't posted in over a year. And I'm going to explain why.

I have...several mental ailments.

I suffer from four forms of anxiety.

General Anxiety, with Agoraphobia.

Separation Anxiety.

Social Anxiety.

And worst of all...

I have extremely severe Existential Anxiety.

It's crippling.

I feel like I am at war with myself, and it's only getting worse.

My body clenches up involuntarily.

I sometimes can't breathe.

My heart beats way too fast, and skips beats.

My chest tightens up.

Sometimes I scream out loud, sometimes I swear I scream but it's only in my mind.

I cry uncontrollably.

I tremble in pain and fear.

I can't speak. I can't move.

I feel like I'm dying.

I'm trapped inside my head.

My triggers are science, space, et cetera.

The things I love.

The things I've loved since childhood.

I can't read or watch or write or even think about certain things.

The things I love, without panicking.

It's ruining my life.

I'm in so much pain.

Sometimes it happens with no triggers.
Just...for no real reason.

I love space. I love science. I love everything to do with both.

I love studying religion, death, medical sciences, and the supernatural.

I can't study any of those things without taking my anxiety medication beforehand.

And sometimes I have to double up.

I still push it, I try to see how long I can push myself before I have a panic attack.

Sometimes I make it several hours, sometimes only seconds.

I don't talk about it publicly because that won't fix it.

It won't make it stop.

I also hate people knowing things about me.

I'm a very private person, but if I want to start keeping up on my blog again, I guess I have to get over it, right?

I only have two people, my husband, and my best friend.

I know that two people is more than a lot of people have, but also less than a lot of other people.

When you take into account that I can't talk to anyone without getting panicky, two is a lot.

Even so, I feel alone.

Like I said, I'm trapped inside my head.

I'm tortured day in, day out.

I'm stuck trying to force myself to overcome the uncontrollable anguish.

To push through so that I can read about the things that actually keep my attention.
The things that make me happy.

I'm so afraid.

I want to break free, so badly.

But I can't.

Methods that worked before, don't.

I can't escape it, as much as I try.

I don't want to be dependent on my medication, but nothing else helps.

Writing used to ease it, but keeping a journal isn't what it used to be.

I'm usually okay during the day if I stay home.

I keep myself busy with cleaning, cooking and taking care of my daughter.

But if I want to check the mail, I have to take my medication.

This is destroying me.

I have isolated myself because I can't cope anymore.

I've always had existential anxiety.

I remember dealing with it as a small child.

But it was mostly sporadic.

But not anymore.

It's been affecting me continuously now, for over a year.

It hurts physically, and mentally.

I just want it to stop.

I haven't updated in a really long time, but I only have four followers, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

But I promised some of my paintings. So here they are...

This isn't all of them, just my best ones thus far.

We Are But Stardust.

Is it sad that I was disappointed by there being no cataclysmic event on 21 December, 2012?
Sure, at the same time I was happy, because I have my daughter.
And yes, I was aware that it wasn't the end of the world, but rather the transitioning into the age of Aquarius from the age of Pieces.

But, I was kind of hoping...maybe it's my yearning of a post-apocalyptic world.

Kind of sick, right?
But we all know I'm not exactly the most normal person out there...

I guess I just want something...interesting to happen.
I'm tired of the same thing day in and day out.
There's no excitement.
Sure, there are other means of excitement, without the deaths of billions.
But like I said, I yearn for a post-apocalyptic world.

I at least wanted the Reptilians to show up.
But I guess they kind of did, it's just that they have yet to unmask themselves.

Man, I love being crazy...

It's nice to be writing again.
Just a shame not many people actually read this...why does no one use Blogger anymore?
I guess it's a good venting spot, though...
Not much to vent, I guess.
I don't really vent online. Don't need random people knowing too much about my personal life.
You understand, I'm sure.
Sure, I could make an anonymous blog.
But no one even reads the public one!

I'm not ashamed to admit that people don't read this stuff.
In all reality, I don't really care.
Just means less people to judge me.
Sure, I'd like for people to read it.
But I'm not sure how many people could really deal with my writing style or topics.

I'm not the best at writing, admittedly.
But I don't think I'm too terrible.
But there's always room for improvement...

Maybe if I was more consistent with my writing, I would actually have readers...
I just get so sidetracked.
That, or everyone just uses Tumblr.
Which I also have.
I just don't get on too often.

I guess I could always post this blog account on there...

Anyways, wanna get into some serious shit?
I don't write much anymore because I can only write (I think, at least) when I'm depressed.
I haven't really gotten depressed lately.
It's nice.
I love being happy.
However, I do miss writing.
I just don't know how to put out happy writing, it always sounds so generic.
Maybe I'm just really awkward.

Sometimes I want to feel a hint of depression, just to see if I can still feel it.
But once I get that hint, I want it gone.
And it's not like it happens often. I was depressed the other night for the first time in I don't know how long.
I guess I always feel like emotions can be broken and that mine are...
Is that too weird? Maybe not weird enough for me.

Maybe I just got so used to being depressed that I forgot how to be happy.
Then I relearned.
And I'm generally happy all the time.
Now I've forgotten how much it sucks to be depressed, until it happens every now and again.

It's nice to be happy.
I think this is the first time in my life that I have been genuinely happy.
All thanks to my (developing) daughter.
I guess it's true, in the end, everything is alright.

Discuss.

Rise of Xenomorph.

Well, today I'm letting everyone who reads my blog know that I am 13 weeks, and 1 day pregnant.
I found out on Friday the Thirteenth. In July.
I'm due 11 March, 2013.

I find out the gender in five weeks.
I am extremely happy.

I'm hoping for a son.
My nickname for my baby is Xenomorph (Xeno for short).
If a boy, my first name choice is Niklaus Josef.
If a girl, my first name choice is Josefiina D'Arcy.


This is my belly at 13 weeks:

 This is my last ultrasound at 10 weeks, 2 days.

Annunaki? Annunaki.

What would you say to me saying: I've been feeling my DNA progressively change over the course of a year.
But earlier...I felt a huge change.


It scared me.


I know I sound crazy.
But this is my blog and you don't have to read it if you happen to disagree.


I believe in aliens.
Furthermore, I believe I am a little something called a Starseed.
Think I'm crazy yet?


Through extensive meditation and so on, I managed to find out a lot more about myself than I ever thought humanly possible...or inhumanly possible(?).


I feel that I am from Orion, and I'm a Reptilian direct of the Annunaki.


Discuss.

Weight of the World.

I miss when everything was okay.
When I could wake up without regretting it.
When I could look outside and find beauty in everything.
I'm replused by everything, for almost a year now.
I want to be happy.
I want to go back to who I used to be.
I want everything to go back to normal.


I miss being a child.
I had nothing to worry about.
No one to worry about.
All I had to care about was how happy I was.
I didn't notice all the bad things going on around me.
I didn't know much about death.
I believed we'd all live forever.
I believed that everyone was happy.
I didn't know about war, natural disasters, poverty, murder, suicide...
I knew about happiness.


As an adult, I've grown so accustomed to these horrible things...
I've forgotten what it's like to be careless.
To be free.


Now I know about all these different problems.
I know about war, terrorism...
I know about murder, I know about suicide.
I know that no one will live forever.
I know that not everyone dies peacefully, or at the right time.
People steal, lie and hurt others.
Nobody really cares anymore, it seems.


Why does no one care?


I want to see the beauty of the world again.
As a child, I was in love with the stars and space.
I still am.
Is that the only remenet I have left of my childhood?
My childhood wasn't the best...but I'm talking before the age of five.
After I turned five, everything started going sour.
But I see now.
I see that no one in the entire world has it easy.
Not for very long, anyways...if ever.
I am thankful for the first few years of my life, when I was happy.


I can only hope that one day, I'll find pure happiness again.
Naturally, of course.


I want to, just for one day, forget about all the bad things.
And just know about the amazing things.
I want to see all the beautiful things of the world.
I want to feel euphoria.
Just once.


I want to know what it truly means to be completely and utterly happy.
I want to fend off this deep depression that I've faced since I was a small child.
I want the anxiety to disappear.
I want all my problems to just go away.
For just one day...just one.


Discuss.