Bittersweet Memories Regarding the Loss of Love.

I want to destroy you. I want to watch you burn. I want to see your flesh decay. I want to feel your suffering. I hope you choke on the lies your spilled from that pretty little mouth of yours. You will die, and I will live. That's the way this kind of thing goes. You're pathetic. You're a liar. You'll never change. I will forever love you. And I will forever hate you. You destroy everything you touch. You are a criminal among many. I want you out of my head. I want you out of my life...you pathetic excuse for a man. You killed my heart.


There's a hole where my heart should be. I cannot feel human emotion anymore. So maybe you saved me.


Or maybe you broke me far beyond repair.


Discuss.

Timeline of Dread.

(finally finished!)
1:12 AM 14/6/2011
Timeline of Dread


I can't remember what I can't forget
All all the things you said, remain in my head
I try to forget, but still I think of you instead
It's breaking me down, as I lay here in my bed


I don't want to know who I am
I make myself dream about the end
And my heart beats faster, and I can't get you out of my head
My heart is filled with dread
All I can understand is the pain of everything I despise
Please love, take off this disguise...


I'm falling quickly, and I'm losing touch in my head...
I wish I could forget you, all this pain, all this dread
I lost myself in thoughts of you
You stole from me, all that I ever was, that much is true


I don't want to know who I am
I make myself dream about the end
And my heart beats faster, and I can't get you out of my head
My heart is filled with dread
All I can understand is the pain of everything I despise
Please love, take off this disguise...


I'm losing you...I can't remember the feel of your skin
Losing you is saving me from all these horrid sins...
And in the night, you are no longer a craving
A life worth living, is a life worth saving


And in the end, I forgot your name
Your face is gone and I'm completely sane

Death is the Road to Awe.

I noticed that I haven't really gone into the details regarding my thoughts on the afterlife.

Since I seem to have been getting extremely off topic as of late...

Here's my reconcile.

Who's to say there is or is not an afterlife, really? I mean, for all we know, there is many. That's where my theories come out to play...

I guess this is going to be a little about religion as well. It may as well have been expected, considering the topic. What if there is one god? Maybe he created every other religion to give people choices, and in turn, whatever afterlife your religion holds, that's where you go when you die. Is it so hard to believe that there could be multiple afterlives? There was a story I heard a long time ago, and it sunk in deep. The gist of it was that when you died, you'd be given a choice-- you could choose where you thought you should go. Ahead of you would be light, behind would be dark. The light would be split off into two paths: Heaven and reincarnation. Likewise, dark would be split: Hell and Limbo. In some versions, it involves flipping a coin, and while that coin is flipping, you choose. And once you've chosen, the coin would stop and you'd go exactly where you want to go.

One of my personal theories is that life on earth IS Hell, due to all the pain and suffering. And when we died, that was heaven. We'd be free from any earthbound forces of said pain and suffering.

In all honesty, I had the biggest fear of the afterlife, that is, until I came across the story of Xibalba...Xibalba is the Mayan underworld. The place where dead souls go to be reborn. Xibalba is generally depicted as a dark place, much like Hell. But there are different versions of it, just as there are different versions of any afterlife. The version that cured, not only my fear of the afterlife, but also my fear of death-- is bascially describing Xibalba as a Heaven world, opposed to a Hell. This also brings me to mention a Mayan creation myth in which, means so much more to me that I can easily describe. The first human (First Father) sacrificed himself to make the world, using death as an act of creation. When he did this, his body parts were spread about, creating the world and all the life on it, his torso became the Tree of Life, and all that was left was First Father's head, which was hung in the heaven creating Xibalba...the physical road to Xibalba is said to be the Dark Rift in the Milky Way...and the physical REALM is said to be the gold center of the Orion Nebula. At the bottom of Orion's Belt, you'll see two stars which form a triangle from the outer star of the belt. In the very center, there are two stars, right between those two stars is the nebula. I look for these starts everynight.

This leads me to my plans for when I die...I want to be buried in a classic coffin, the coffin will be black with beige trimming, made from the wood of a weeping willow. I intend to be buried in a field, far from anyone, living or dead. I then want a specific tree seed planted over my grave: the seed of the Guatemalan Cebia tree, which the Mayans believed to be the Tree of Life.

Discuss.

To Find the Light at the End of the Tunnel.

I will not stop; I will not yield.
I will move on to see the light,
and break this curse upon my life.
I will allow myself to reach all heights.
I cannot fail, I cannot lose.
In every path that I may choose.


I won't continue the poetry, that's all I could muster to fit how I'm feeling at the moment.
I went through a lot since the last time I wrote on here, though I will not go into detail, I made myself a promise.
Many of you know I had a drug and an alcohol addiction.
I'm clean. I promised myself that no matter how bad it gets, that I will remain that way.


And I cannot lie. I had a slip up with alcohol because of it.
And I had a slip up with drugs. Two times only. And after that I promised, no more.


I was forced into things that I didn't want to do.
I was fucked over.


There are so many people who have gone through this and made it out on top...or alive, for that matter.
And I praise you.
The weak are always the strongest in the end.
We will not fall. We will only rise.
We will stand up for ourselves and what we believe.
And we will be nothing but the best.




Discuss.

The Answers Lie Within.

What has become of this world? A place so beautiful, yet so corrupt. We're dying. All of us. We long to find happiness. What is happiness in a place like this? How do we survive our own demise? I can no longer breathe. I can no longer thrive. An ex-drug addict. An ex-alcoholic. I am surviving in this world, full of all those who are damned. Death is heaven. Life is hell. When we die, we all go to heaven, for hell is right here on our doorsteps.
What is a life, if nothing but pain and suffering? A light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe love will save our souls.
A heart can only take so much pain before it gives out right from under itself. Fear is a protector. Fear protects us from the dangers of life. Maybe fear can save us.
If you died tomorrow, will you be happy with what you've done in life? Will we pay for what we've done? Will we pay for who we were? Where are all the answers? They tell us to question everything. Why?
What will become of us?
Have you ever wondered what we will see in the end? Who? Will our fears follow us in death?
Iron trees and paved roads-- this is not what we need. We need to be free.


Discuss.

Love, Life and Drastic Changes.

When you love someone, you sometimes have to adjust and face serious changes. Say you've fallen in love, and the person of interest has a child. Could you make such a major decision as to be something of a parental figure? Say you hate children and you, yourself, do NOT want them. Could you bring yourself to be there? No matter how hard it may be, no matter how hard you have to work? When you're in love you sometimes have to make sacrifices. This is mine:
I don't want children. Nor do I remotely like children. But I'm in love with a boy. He has a daughter. I'm willing to get over myself and be there no matter what. It's all worth it to me. And I feel that it takes real love to make this kind of choice with no one even asking this of you. It takes real love to want to be there and swallow your pride enough to do so. And I've done it. I've decided, on my own accord, that I want to do this. I'm sure if I bond with her, it'll be alright.
I plan to help him gain full custody of her. Why? Because I love him. And he'll be happy. And I'll be happy.

The moral of the story is, love is a many splendid thing. (quoted from Moulin Rouge) And I promise you, it's real and it can save you. But take my word for it, never follow your heart or your brain. Always, always, always follow your gut. That's what I do. And it's when I ignore my gut that everything fucks up in the end. So whenever my gut says it's wrong, I listen for fear of losing the boy I've given my all to. And a quote from Moulin Rouge, a quote that I hold very close to my heart: The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.

When you love someone, that is the greatest feeling you'll ever have in life. And when you have it, hold onto it as if nothing else matters. Because that's just it; nothing else matters. Nothing. Else. Matters.

Discuss.

You Can't Save the Dead.

It's been awhile since I've written anything. I've been detached from most things. I'd now like to bring up the subject regarding feeling lost and being lost...

...in life.

I have a friend, and to avoid spilling her identity, we'll call her Sidnie. Now, Sidnie is a raging alcoholic, a pill popper and a stoner. She recently had a close call with being raped because she was drinking with strangers who proceeded to drug her. Sidnie chose to confide in me. We're best friends. I, myself, am a raging alcoholic. But I've also been working on it. (soon, I'll make a blog following my progress^^) Now, she chose to limit herself to three beers whenever she drinks, later upped it to five. She got so wasted at a dinner party that she passed out in her salad. She's not even twenty one, yet. She will be soon, but currently, she's not. This is a real life example of BEING lost.

My next example is NOT anonymous, because it's based on MY experiences, regarding my point. (and this is good for me, because I'm so upfront with what I am and how I am)

I have severe anxiety, paranoia, depression and nervous disorder. I often fall into panic attacks, sometimes for no reason at all. I always feel like something is missing, and that I'm being monitored. I get depressed randomly, anything can trigger it. I shake, constantly, my palms sweat, I twitch, I walk with my head down, I hate going out to crowded places (concerts, bars and clubs never bothered me much, I deal with it). I often feel like I'm trapped in a hole and I have no way out, which is understandable because of my anxiety and depression. I'm not lost in life, but I feel that I am.


My point is, some people are lost; some people only seem lost. Some are so lost, they simply can't be saved. They're far pass fixing. And when it comes down to it, you'll try until they give up.

Discuss.