Is it sad that I was disappointed by there being no cataclysmic event on 21 December, 2012? Sure, at the same time I was happy, because I have my daughter. And yes, I was aware that it wasn't the end of the world, but rather the transitioning into the age of Aquarius from the age of Pieces. But, I was kind of hoping...maybe it's my yearning of a post-apocalyptic world. Kind of sick, right? But we all know I'm not exactly the most normal person out there... I guess I just want something...interesting to happen. I'm tired of the same thing day in and day out. There's no excitement. Sure, there are other means of excitement, without the deaths of billions. But like I said, I yearn for a post-apocalyptic world. I at least wanted the Reptilians to show up. But I guess they kind of did, it's just that they have yet to unmask themselves. Man, I love being crazy...
It's nice to be writing again. Just a shame not many people actually read this...why does no one use Blogger anymore? I guess it's a good venting spot, though... Not much to vent, I guess. I don't really vent online. Don't need random people knowing too much about my personal life. You understand, I'm sure. Sure, I could make an anonymous blog. But no one even reads the public one! I'm not ashamed to admit that people don't read this stuff. In all reality, I don't really care. Just means less people to judge me. Sure, I'd like for people to read it. But I'm not sure how many people could really deal with my writing style or topics. I'm not the best at writing, admittedly. But I don't think I'm too terrible. But there's always room for improvement... Maybe if I was more consistent with my writing, I would actually have readers... I just get so sidetracked. That, or everyone just uses Tumblr. Which I also have. I just don't get on too often. I guess I could always post this blog account on there... Anyways, wanna get into some serious shit? I don't write much anymore because I can only write (I think, at least) when I'm depressed. I haven't really gotten depressed lately. It's nice. I love being happy. However, I do miss writing. I just don't know how to put out happy writing, it always sounds so generic. Maybe I'm just really awkward. Sometimes I want to feel a hint of depression, just to see if I can still feel it. But once I get that hint, I want it gone. And it's not like it happens often. I was depressed the other night for the first time in I don't know how long. I guess I always feel like emotions can be broken and that mine are... Is that too weird? Maybe not weird enough for me. Maybe I just got so used to being depressed that I forgot how to be happy. Then I relearned. And I'm generally happy all the time. Now I've forgotten how much it sucks to be depressed, until it happens every now and again. It's nice to be happy. I think this is the first time in my life that I have been genuinely happy. All thanks to my (developing) daughter. I guess it's true, in the end, everything is alright.
Well, today I'm letting everyone who reads my blog know that I am 13 weeks, and 1 day pregnant. I found out on Friday the Thirteenth. In July. I'm due 11 March, 2013. I find out the gender in five weeks. I am extremely happy. I'm hoping for a son. My nickname for my baby is Xenomorph (Xeno for short). If a boy, my first name choice is Niklaus Josef. If a girl, my first name choice is Josefiina D'Arcy. This is my belly at 13 weeks:
I miss when everything was okay. When I could wake up without regretting it. When I could look outside and find beauty in everything. I'm replused by everything, for almost a year now. I want to be happy. I want to go back to who I used to be. I want everything to go back to normal.
I miss being a child. I had nothing to worry about. No one to worry about. All I had to care about was how happy I was. I didn't notice all the bad things going on around me. I didn't know much about death. I believed we'd all live forever. I believed that everyone was happy. I didn't know about war, natural disasters, poverty, murder, suicide... I knew about happiness.
As an adult, I've grown so accustomed to these horrible things... I've forgotten what it's like to be careless. To be free.
Now I know about all these different problems. I know about war, terrorism... I know about murder, I know about suicide. I know that no one will live forever. I know that not everyone dies peacefully, or at the right time. People steal, lie and hurt others. Nobody really cares anymore, it seems.
Why does no one care?
I want to see the beauty of the world again. As a child, I was in love with the stars and space. I still am. Is that the only remenet I have left of my childhood? My childhood wasn't the best...but I'm talking before the age of five. After I turned five, everything started going sour. But I see now. I see that no one in the entire world has it easy. Not for very long, anyways...if ever. I am thankful for the first few years of my life, when I was happy.
I can only hope that one day, I'll find pure happiness again. Naturally, of course.
I want to, just for one day, forget about all the bad things. And just know about the amazing things. I want to see all the beautiful things of the world. I want to feel euphoria. Just once.
I want to know what it truly means to be completely and utterly happy. I want to fend off this deep depression that I've faced since I was a small child. I want the anxiety to disappear. I want all my problems to just go away. For just one day...just one.
I'd like to give you a look inside. Find the core, kill the disease, break the solitude... Death is a disease, just like any other. And there's a cure.
There is a cure.
Question authority. Question everything. Why?
So many people die on a daily basis. We are all suffering here. Some more than others. But we all have our own personal hell. Whether it be hellish to some people, or none at all. If it is to one person, it is to the world in their eyes.
I know how it is. I pride myself on finding ways to fix everything. Even though I know I cannot. But I can try, and maybe...just maybe, I can succeed.
There is truth at the core of every lie.
The media blinds us from who we really are. We are all God. We all create. We all destroy. We have the ability to give life, as well as take it away.
I hope you question what I believe. But I also hope you question what you believe. We are all entitled to our own thoughts. Some of us will use them in our lives, some of us will not. But this life, this is the last for us all. It is time to awaken and see what we all truly are. Who we are.
For maybe we are not all from this planet. Maybe not even from this era. We are travelers, in one way or another.
It's time, my dears. It's time to wake up. Wake up.
The sun is up. The stars may even remain. No more reflections.
Just truth. Lift the veil and you'll see. We are all slaves to humanity. It's time to break free. Wake up!
I have nothing left. I'm nothing to myself or anyone else. All I ever do is fuck up. I'm the biggest piece of shit on the planet. I've lost the one person that I thought would always be there. I've lost all I've ever had. There's nothing left now. Everything is broken. There is no beauty in anything. Nothing matters. Nothing matters. Nothing matters. Nothing matters. Nothinf mater. Nothifnd ufghdfhj. Nohijsdfdj jdfhdj f.
Nothing.
It's gone. My life no longer holds meaning. I feel more dead inside than ever before. I am a creation of destruction.
There is no god. There can't be. And if there is, he abandoned me long ago. No god would take away someone's everything. Especially not after taking the two things that meant the most. I have accepted that I am alone. I have been abandoned. And there is no turning back. I can't change the past. I cannot make things right.
I am the lowest of the low. If you don't believe me, you will see one day. I am nothing. I have nothing.
Turn back time. Turn back time. Turn back time. Turn back life...
Diesease > Control. Death > Life. Despair > Hope. Torment > Peace.
The world is shit. I fit in well. I am the face of destruction. I am Death. Will we pay for what we've done? I have been paying. I am paying. My dues are far from paid. And my life ended years ago.
Wake me when the world ends. Tell me when everything is over. Show me how to die. I can't learn to live. We can't find the meaning of life, because there is none.
Welcome to the end of the world, my loves. This is where we will fall apart, into the waves of the dark. I am the night, I am the end. I will always be the critically acclaimed demise of our time.
Today I will tell you of my being. Reptilian, in all sense. Emotions are a lie. Love is a chemical emotion that the brain releases. And it can be blocked. And I have blocked it with ease. Considering my incapability to feel human emotion.
I sound crazy. And maybe I am. And if I am, I am not ashamed.
